“You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day”

Friends:

Each of us have things in our past of which we are not proud; events that we wish we could go back in time and do differently.  But until time travel is made possible, we will have to make do with the next best thing—trying to guide our children to avoid making the same mistakes we made.  This was so readily apparent to me this past Monday when Brooklyn went to school with her “Annie” shirt on…

When I was in the 4^th or 5^th grade, I wanted to participate in the school’s talent show, notwithstanding the fact that I had absolutely no talent to speak of.  So with my vinyl single of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” with the B-side of the instrumental version of the song, my white pants and my “Choose Life” t-shirt, to the talent show I went.  Disregarding the fact that my singing voice was awful (and hasn’t improved despite puberty), I belted out that song as best as I could, singing my little heart out, to the delight of the neighborhood cats I am sure.  So what if I couldn’t dance around the stage like I wanted because the microphone was only a few feet long… I was feeling the music and was showing my “talent.”

After the performances were concluded (and I honestly cannot tell you what anyone else did for their talent), then the hard part started—the wait to find out if I had won.  The teacher in charge of the talent show was planning an awards ceremony to honor the performers and I was convinced that my name would be called.  So I waited and I waited and I checked in with the teacher on an almost daily basis to find out when the awards ceremony would take place.  I needed to know the day so that I could be ready. 

Finally the day came.  I got dressed in my white pants and “Choose Life” t-shirt, did my very best to keep from getting dirty as the day went on, and waited until the afternoon for the ceremony.  To my immense surprise and dissatisfaction, I did not win the talent show.  In fact, I don’t think that anyone won.  The teacher did call up each of the performers to receive some sort of trophy, and I ran up with a smile on my face, but the smile belied my disappointment.

As I look back on it now, and as my mom every once in a while alludes to that fated performance, I am reminded of how much of a fool I must have been—to not only think I could sing, but to dress up in the pants and T-shirt not only for the talent show but then again for the “awards ceremony,” and then to be disappointed that I didn’t win!  The word that comes to mind is “dork” and I am sure that is exactly what it looked like to everyone else.

So when Brooklyn went to school last week with her “Annie” shirt on because she was going to be performing “Tomorrow” at her school’s talent show, all of those emotions and feelings came back.  The feeling of embarrassment and shame, reliving the moment of hearing my name called during the “awards ceremony” and running up to the stage with my silly “Choose Life” t-shirt, the cracks in my voice as I tried to hit those unreachable notes… and don’t get me started on simply hearing the word “jitterbug.”  Truly the stupidest word ever invented…

Yes, all of those feelings came back and my nerves were on edge.  Children are so fragile; their hopes and dreams can be dashed in an instant.  My daughter, who loves to sing and dance… how will she react if the crowd doesn’t embrace her “talent?”  Brooklyn, at 7, whose voice is still developing, who can’t quite yet get all of the notes to “Tomorrow,” a terribly difficult song to sing; my daughter, who still loves princesses and Hello Kitty; what will be the reaction of the rest of her classmates?  Will this be a good experience or a wretched one, something she will look back on when she is 37 years old and regret?

No matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, she insisted on singing this particular song, so she practiced and practiced and practiced.  She probably could have used more practice, but, as they say, the show must go on, and on it went.  She did one performance during the day for her classmates and all that I heard was that it was fine.  She didn’t tell me any more details.  But that evening was the performance for family and friends, and the butterflies were swarming in my stomach.  It didn’t help that out of over 25 performers, Brooklyn went second to last.  If she was nervous, she didn’t show it.  Lord knows whether I showed it.

Knowing now what I didn’t know then, I gave Brooklyn one piece of advice.  I told her that she had only one job to do as it related to the performance, and that was to have fun.  If she had fun, then it wouldn’t matter what everyone else said or how the crowd reacted.  All that mattered was that she had fun doing it—advice that I could have used when I was trying out my George Michael imitation. 

Well, needless to say, she did a wonderful job.  Was it perfect?  No.  Did she embarrass herself?  Absolutely not.  Was I a proud dad?  You bet.  She smiled, she sang her heart out, she missed some notes, but she seemed to enjoy every second of it, and that is all that mattered.  And I could not have been more proud of her.

Oh yeah, something else– My parents came to cheer Brooklyn on as well and they were beside themselves with pride and joy over their oldest grandchild… but I can still hear my mom singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” as she walked through Brooklyn’s school parking lot to get to their car to go home…

Some things just never go away…

Have a great week.

Rob

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“Dammit, man! I’m a doctor, not a physicist!”

They say that attorneys are not only practitioners in the law but are also counselors, thus denoting some measure of expertise in the area of psychology from which to counsel a client. However no psychology courses were offered at the law school I attended, so whatever expertise I have in psychology is simply by virtue of my experiences with people and aggressive situations. Despite no real education in the way people think and act, there are a couple of universal rules that I have decrypted that are based on my experiences in the practice of law.

Rule #1: The other side believes that you would act the same way that they do.

I had a matter a few years ago in which I represented a sister against her brother in a trust dispute. All along I had been told by my client that her brother was deceitful, back-stabbing and a liar and that nothing that he said could be trusted. But when it came to the allegations being made, it was the brother who claimed that his sister was the deceitful, back-stabbing liar. While it isn’t unusual for one side to think they are in the right and that the other side is the villain, as the litigation progressed, claims of dishonest litigation tactics were frequently asserted, as well as attempts to argue to the judge that the sister was being dishonest. My client was floored and distraught by such allegations. It was at that point that things became very clear to me. When someone is dishonest and deceitful, they expect that everyone else is the same way. Because they would play games with discovery or withhold evidence or act underhandedly, they assume that everyone else would as well.

Another example: a sister and brother are engaged in negotiations relating to a trust and the brother is convinced that the sister has acted fraudulently with respect to the trust property. So he writes scathing letters demanding information and accountings, accusing the sister of such fraudulent conduct as stealing money, making inappropriate investments or engaging in self-dealing and not only does he make such allegations vociferously, he does so with abject righteous indignation. How dastardly his sister has been acting! The sister is outraged and protests her innocence… and the records are clean, they support her position. So why is the brother so intent on his indictments? Because if the roles were reversed and the power was his, he would have stolen money, made inappropriate investments and engaged in self-dealing. And so he projects this on his sister. Certainly since he would act this way, then his sister would as well, right? It’s almost as if he justifies his own deceit and dishonesty by claiming it is a reaction to how the other side is acting. Or, stated another way, he projects on the other side the despicable way that he would act.

Rule #2: You cannot expect that people think the same way that you do.

I have had this discussion with my wife on many occasions when she complains about how someone with whom she is dealing is acting absurdly. Whether it is a clerk in a store, an opposing counsel or even a customer service representative with the telephone company, I have suggested to her that she cannot expect that people would act the same way she would. For example, she went to a clothing store to have a security tag removed a couple of days after the article of clothing had been purchased and taken home. It seems that the clerk was too distracted to remove the tag the first time around, so a second visit was necessary. However, when she went to the store and was the only person in line to receive assistance, the two clerks behind the counter simply ignored her. Eventually one of the clerks raised her eyes, apologized because she thought the other clerk was assisting the customer and took care of the tag. My wife was livid, complaining about how neither of the clerks said anything or made any eye contact, so why would this one have thought that her co-worker was providing assistance! I had to remind her that she cannot expect that other people think the way that she does.

Or consider this example: one party to a litigation matter has had enough of the fight and simply wants it to end. So he makes an offer to resolve the matter. While it isn’t the amount that was demanded in the complaint, it is certainly a reasonable offer and one which will save the other side attorneys’ fees, litigation costs and time. But the other side rejects the offer and instead refuses to make a counter-offer. The client cannot expect that just because he thought the offer was a strong offer that the other side thought the same or that the other side has the same motivations for the lawsuit. Just because you think that a course of action is reasonable, you cannot think that the other side sees things the same way.

So much of the practice of law is psychology, yet we as attorneys are relatively ill-prepared for this. So we need to gain our expertise from the same school that has educated so many of our predecessors: the school of hard knocks. The endless discussions with the client, consoling her because she cannot understand why the other side acts the way they do, they all lead to the same conclusion—people are unpredictable. They act unexpectedly and illogically—the only advice that we can give our clients is to not be surprised when the other side acts irrationally or unreasonably. Because the other side would say that they are completely rational and reasonable. Have a great week.

“Two households, both alike in dignity / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene / From ancient grudge break to new mutiny”

Friends:

I would like to think that I don’t hold grudges—if you wrong me, I let it roll off my back; I don’t hold it against you, and I certainly don’t look for ways to get back at you.  For example—the kid who ran me over at the plate when I was 14 and broke my left wrist, I don’t harbor any ill will towards you.  To the teacher who told me that my interpretation of “The Cask of Amontillado” by Edgar Allan Poe was wrong, I hardly ever think about it anymore.  And to the junior varsity coach who told me I wasn’t good enough to play high school ball… I took no pride in you eating your words when I was awarded the team’s most valuable player award.  (Ok, maybe I did a little…)

Just the other day I was thinking about our world and the numerous wars that have been fought and how, generations later, the warring countries have not only settled their differences but have become allies.  Perhaps the most horrific and unthinkable atrocities took place during World War II and yet now, three generations later, the United States and Germany are more allies than enemies.  Or consider the birth of the United States- within a 50 year span, America fought two wars against Great Britain, yet now consider the UK one of its strongest friends.  Vietnam is a tourist destination; Japan is key ally in the global economy.  It is surprising how many former enemies are now friends or, at a minimum, peaceful co-existers.

And yet if you bring it down to a personal level, we as human beings find it very difficult to forgive individuals who have wronged us.  It is easier for us to forgive an entire country of nameless, faceless people than it is to forgive someone we know.  It is easier to hold a grudge than it is to let bygones be bygones.  And so much of my practice, so much of litigation in general, is incited by such grudges.

I understand that there are some disputes that cannot be resolved without the involvement of a decider or, at a minimum, a neutral peacemaker.  But even still, the concept that another party has wronged you makes for a difficult barrier to overcome when considering settlement or resolution.  Instead of viewing a situation pragmatically or even practically, we have blinders to reason and instead focus our energy on destroying the other party.  It isn’t enough to make the other side pay; they need to feel the same level of pain that we felt as a result of their conduct.  And until they feel that level of pain, there can be no satisfaction. 

Now consider the disputes that involve family members, siblings or even parents against children.  You think that business partners can bear grudges against each other as a result of business dealings?  Consider one sibling who, for 40 years, believed that mom loved his younger sister more than him.  She always got new clothes for school; she got to go to summer camp; she got her education paid for.  All the while, her older brother had to scrape and fight for every advantage.  Need new clothes?  Get a job.  Want to go to college?  Apply for student loans.  Forty years is a long time to hold a grudge.  Now that mom and dad are gone, it’s the time to exact revenge. 

Think I’m joking, or exaggerating?  Walk in my shoes and you’d be amazed.  We as human beings have an amazing ability to sympathize, to be compassionate for those less fortunate than us.  But we also have a remarkable ability to allow one who wronged us to fully encompass our lives.  I handled a matter once where three children sued their father because they felt that he had taken advantage of their mother and forced her to deplete the assets of a trust against her will.  After over two years of litigating, the matter finally settled, however the children were still not satisfied.  The negotiated settlement was a tremendous victory, yet the children would have preferred their father to be left with nothing.  On second thought, they would have preferred that the litigation go on long enough for their father to simply die.  And when it was said and done, the children had a terrible time dealing with the conclusion of the matter.  They had allowed their hate for their father to dominate their lives for so long, that now that the matter was resolved, they didn’t know what to do with themselves.

I would like to think that I believe in karma, that what goes around comes around and that bad people will eventually get their comeuppance.  Many a time have I counseled a client that resolution of a matter is necessary and, despite the fact that my client may feel like she is getting the short end of the stick, I have to remind her that forgetting is far more preferable to letting the wounds fester.  On numerous occasions my client and I have come to the exact same conclusion.  We may be compromising for our own sanity and happiness now, but the bad guy will eventually get his in the end.  If he has wronged us, he has likely wronged other people and at some point, it’s going to catch up with him. 

For our own sanity, isn’t it better to give up the grudge and get on with our own lives instead of focusing so much attention on hate towards another person?

Have a great week.