In the coming days, I will be going through a monumental transformation, one which we all are privileged to experience, the greatness of which few acknowledge. Pursuant to Section 1 of Article 2 of the United States Constitution, on January 22, 2011, I, Robert A. Cohen, will become eligible to assume the oath of office as the 45th President of the United States on January 20, 2013.
For on January 22, 2011, I will become 35 years of age, the minimum age for presidential eligibility. What better time than the present to state my candidacy and outline my experience? I am sure that you will conclude that I am more than qualified for such an esteemed position and that you would be well advised to cast your vote for me on Election Day, 2012.
While there are many characteristics and experience levels that are considered when analyzing credentials for the highest office in the land, none are dispositive and certainly none guarantee excellence in the Oval Office. Nonetheless, I believe I can compete with anyone when it comes to qualifications.
1) Prior Service Experience: I am no stranger to the responsibility of being an elected official and the rigors and demands placed thereon. In 7th grade, running on a platform of being “A Superman For the Job,” I defeated all of my opponents to become 7th Grade Senator, famous most for the monumentally successful 7th Grade Dance which I devised, organized, and hosted. When the first chords of Salt ‘N Pepa’s “Push It” boomed from the cassette player housed in the audio/visual room of the cafeteria, everyone knew that a new regime was in power, one which was successful at following through on its promises.
2) Eloquence: As Senator from the School of Social and Behavioral Sciences at C.S.U.N., I famously made history as one of the few Associated Students representatives who objected to the invitation extended to former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and Louisiana State Representative David Dukes. Because of my vocal opposition to the invitation, I was given a platform on KABC (with Larry Elder), among others, and had the opportunity to expound on my disagreement with the “debate.” All to no avail, however, for the debate proceeded, and failed miserably. What was supposed to be a civil debate about Proposition 209 became a powder keg of social unrest on an otherwise peaceful campus.
3) Familiarity with the Credit Crisis: As the only 7th Grade Senator to successfully win re-election to the Senate as an 8th Grader, I displayed an astuteness to the vagaries of the credit system by running on the platform that I was like the American Express Card– you didn’t want to leave the 8th Grade without me.
4) High Morals: Despite the fact that my fellow 8th Graders had elected me to represent them in the Senate, I could not abide the leadership class’s daily focus on coloring inside the lines instead of important junior high affairs and, with a heavy-heart, I resigned my position in defiance of such strictures requiring coloring inside the lines.
5) Diplomacy: I do not believe in violence and certainly do not promote the use of fisticuffs as a means to address conflict, except when absolutely necessary. Before my fellow candidates obtain this information and attempt to use it against me, I will state with the utmost conviction, that the kid I bit in pre-school absolutely, positively deserved it and it was only after I had exhausted all other non-violent means of resolving the dispute did I resort to using my teeth.
6) Foreign Affairs: As a world traveler I have had numerous opportunities to explore foreign cultures and understand how small this world really is. Not only I have I been to Disneyland, DisneyWorld and Euro-Disney (and have “It’s A Small World” on repeat on my iPod), I have also eaten at McDonald’s restaurants on multiple continents, thus familiarizing myself with the disparities in the preparation of the Big Mac across cultural lines.
7) Calm Under Pressure: Being calm and collected under pressure is something which is innate, not learned. For example, when the American with whom I was traveling was being forcibly ejected from a nightclub in London, I had the level head. No, I was not the one attempting to persuade the Bobbies not to take my companion to the hoosegow, but instead I had the presence of mind to obtain my friend’s coat-check claim ticket from him, so as to retrieve his Burberry Men’s Dark Brown Leather Jacket (MSRP $759.99). Certainly a night in jail was more preferable to losing his treasured coat to the Hippodrome night club.
8 ) Humility: A President gains respect through his past actions. But he maintains that respect with dignity and humility. Mere days after I had been elected 7th Grade Senator and was the talk of the school with my moving, inspirational and legendary “Superman” speech (as it later became known through the halls of Patrick Henry Junior High School), I found myself on the wrong side of the law, having been caught throwing tater tots in the lunch area and striking, with authority (but by accident), the Assistant Principal, Mrs. Barnett. With great humility and humbleness, I served my sentence, picking up each of the 25 pieces of trash required of me for my paper pick-up punishment. One cannot attempt to institute programs to rehabilitate the imprisoned without first having walked in the shoes of the criminal. My shoes were well traveled and I include my experiences in the criminal element as amongst the most powerful and influential of my life.
My Fellow Americans, my qualifications are indisputable. There is no road map to the perfect presidential candidate, but I believe I have the tools and the experience to compete with anyone else who chooses (ill-advisedly) to run against me. With this, I throw my Los Angeles Dodgers hat into the proverbial ring, and hope that I can count on you to place your vote for me for President in 2012. A vote for me is a vote against Mickey Mouse, whom I anticipate will be my largest competition.
Robert Alan Cohen
Your Next President